is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
