Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
