After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
