The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
