i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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