I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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