I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
