her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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