There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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