About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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