I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
