btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
