So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
