Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
