Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
zippers are such a cool invention
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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