My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
