Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
