i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
