I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
