Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize