I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
