We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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