Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
