I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Found the puke drawer
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
