also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Farmville is her only friend.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
