Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
