Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
