just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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