My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
