I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
