man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You were trust falling into bushes
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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