Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
