What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
