I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize