when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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