i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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