Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
