I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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