I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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