I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
