the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
