You're completely useless in the revolution.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
