you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
