He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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