I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
