Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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