I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
