I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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