During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
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