he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
