she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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