Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
