He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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