I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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