When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
