I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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