Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
