Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
