If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
